I keep thinking I have something to write and then it's awful. So I delete it, or change it completely and it sits there like a pile of some rancid tapioca smelling awful and looking disgusting.
Or I write and write and write and publish never comes. There is so much I have never said on this blog or in public and perhaps some of it belongs in the world but so much just feels private, personal. I wrote a great big long post explaining Joel's brain injury, what I know now of how it happened and how it shapes my view of homebirth, breech birth, hospital birth and how we could have done things differently.
But I don't want to hit publish.
I don't want this blog to become a debate on end of life issues, a battleground for the safety of homebirth, or a place for natural birth advocates to point their compass. I might personally advocate for many of these things but this is a place of peace and rest and sanctuary. It is certainly a place to tell the truth, and not to skirt the unpleasant, but not a place for advocacy and debate. There is no room in my heart to debate my views on what happened to my son; on the choices we made for him both before and after his birth. I can't bear to see in print all the awful things I've said to myself, all the criticism and second guessing and what ifs and should haves.
And I know with certainty that those words will arrive if I invite them in from the world. I have said them enough to myself, I have no need to hear them from others. The barb of responsibility for my son's death is buried deep in my heart, it will do good to no one to twist it deeper.
So if you are wondering why you've never seen me justify our choices, or tell the story of his birth, life and death in medical detail, this is why. I've no need for the drama, excitement or clicks it may bring. I don't want those who mourn with me to have to rise to my defense, or to welcome in the scorn and vicious attacks from those who will never understand.
At some point in my life there may be a place and time to share those details. If you need to hear them you are welcome to ask me privately, I welcome your inquiry via email. That's not to say I will answer, just to say you are welcome to ask. It has taken me two years to figure out why there is so much I haven't shared, and I am grateful for the peace of mind and heart that come with simply saying:
I don't have to.
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  • 6/14/2011 12:18 PM Bears wrote:
    You absolutely don't have to. And please don't ever feel like you DO have to. If you ever choose to, that's fine (and you know I will defend you kicking and screaming and punching the whole entire way) but it is ONLY up to you. xo.
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 12:27 PM Jen wrote:
    "I am grateful for the peace of mind and heart that come with simply saying:
    I don't have to." -- Wise words applicable to many things in life.

    I'm very grateful for the things you DO say and all that you share of Joel.
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 12:30 PM Cari wrote:
    You are right Sara, YOU don't have to share those with anyone. Sharing the details will not change the outcome so why share them. They are you memories to deal with. The words and insight that you share on this blog are so very help full in many other ways to many many people and I applaud you for having the courage to say them. You are an amazing person. Don't ever think anything less than that.

    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 12:43 PM libby at ninesandquines wrote:
    you do not owe anybody any explanation dear sara...and if anyone ever thinks you do, shame on them...xoxoxo
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 12:58 PM Erin wrote:
    If your heart lived outside of your body and was made of the most fragile glass, would you store it in the middle of a cage full of elephants? Or would you keep it on the highest shelf, wrapped in bubble wrap? There's no need to hurt your heart any more than it already has been--and anyone who loves you will support and respect that.
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 1:06 PM Cameron wrote:
    I love you, sweet girl, and I completely and totally understand. I love that you know and respect yourself and your needs well enough to know that you need this to be a place of sanctuary and rest, not debate. Love that. Thinking of you! xoxoxo
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 1:08 PM Megan wrote:
    You need answer to no one. It makes my heart sad to think that there are some who expect an explanation. I'm just thankful for who you are and for who Joel is.
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 2:09 PM Adam wrote:
    I don't think I've ever seen something left unsaid speak with so much power and beauty.
    Reply to this
    1. 6/14/2011 3:54 PM KatieKatie wrote:
      Well said, Adam.
      Loving you today, Sara Joy!
      Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 5:11 PM gretchen from lifenut wrote:
    What Adam said.

    I am proud to know you, to know Joel, to know the twins. Take care, always and forever.
    Reply to this
  • 6/14/2011 8:28 PM Michelle Jablonski wrote:
    O, Sara! You are one amazing woman. In your writings, you have unknowingly spoken for so many others who have made similar journeys. How peace filled are your words: "I don't have to." For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Peace and love to your little family.
    Reply to this
  • 6/18/2011 12:57 PM Shirley Darbee wrote:

    Exactly!!! You don't have to. It belongs to no one but you and your family. We are blessed to have read your words about Joel and the beautiful pictures. And now, to see the twins grow. You never owed us any of that either. God Bless you and your lovely family today and always.

    Reply to this
  • 6/18/2011 5:11 PM Nicole Drysdale-Rickman wrote:
    No, you don't!

    Your blog is beautiful and the way you honor your son is of your choosing...
    Reply to this
  • 6/20/2011 12:41 AM Katie wrote:
    Sara, I hope you know that what you HAVE written has touched me and so many others. I am often reminded of the first words of the post where you told the results of Joel's EEG - that post starts with the words "God is good in all things". It brought tears to my eyes, not only obviously because of the subject matter of that post, but also because of your amazing example of strength and faith in the worst of times. Thank you for all you DO share and don't ever feel like it isn't enough.
    Reply to this
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