Two
Sweet Baby Joel,
There are so many things I want to tell you, today and every day. But today is your second birthday and it is so hard to find the words because you won't turn two - you'll never be more than five days old. And that, my baby, is probably the hardest thing. I watch time go by and people change and your brother and sister just keep growing but you are stuck in those five days. Never will you change or grow or be the source of countless new discoveries the way every other baby is to their mommy and daddy. And every single second of every single day is a moment further away from those five days.
I really hate that.
I hate moving further and further from you but Joel I have to remember that every day I am closer to you too. That every moment we live here we are closer to you there. That, my littlest pal, is the thing I really love. I love so much the thought of all our family together, of knowing every infinite thing about you and just being your momma together, instead of apart. I love knowing eternity is ours, little man, and this life is but a vapor.
I really love that.
But that isn't what I need to tell you today. I think you already know those things, I think you know countless things and so much more than me about so much of what occurs. I could tell you everything that has happened, and is happening but I think you know that too. Joel, I want to tell you the things that you can't see. The things that parents so often forget to say as the days wind on and we repeat ourselves again and again, "eat your peas, don't touch that, we'll go to the park later!" I think sometimes we forget that our children don't have a magic x-ray to our hearts and they don't know the things we are thinking and feeling every moment between the peas and the park. Those are the things I want to say to you, and to Van and Maggie, and to never let any of my babies live for a moment, here or in heaven, without knowing what I really feel. That is what I want my children to remember about their mother, that they knew her heart, that she spilled it out for them every moment of their lives. So my sweet baby, here is what my heart is saying to you every moment you were here, and every one since you left.
I love you. I love you until love ends and begins and loves infinity. I love you until it all makes no sense. I love you bigger than my body, deeper than my heart and greater than my mind can fathom. You and me are love. I would have gladly died in your place or right there with you I love you so much but somehow I am to love you from here while you are there and so you need to know my love is big enough to make it from earth to heaven and back. My love for you is endless and perfect and patient and will never, ever stop. In the words of the ever eloquent Westly, "Death cannot stop true love, all it can do is delay it for a while.'' Joel, we may be delayed, but my love cannot be stopped. I hope you are basking in it, always.
I am so proud of you. I think most parents hope the world will be a better place because of their children. I already know this is true of you, thank you so much dear baby. I know that mamas have hugged their children tighter because they knew you. I know that people stopped to love each other because of you. I know that people will go to heaven because of you. I don't know how a parent could be more proud than I am of you. You were strong and tough and stunning and sweet and I never hesitate to tell people how amazing you were because I cannot contain how proud I am of you. Your life was as inexplicable as your death, and in every part you did something amazing - you made this world better for countless people. What a legacy, my son, what a legacy.
I would not trade you for anything in earth or heaven, you are the perfect child for me. There is no person, no child, no baby I would rather have than you. Even if I could have another baby for a hundred years, I'd rather have our nine months and five days we had to ourselves, and the five days we shared with the world. You are exactly who I always dreamed you'd be, exactly the boy I imagined, exactly the baby I always wanted. I want you. Forever.
Happy Birthday Joel James. Thank you for showing me what it means to love, to be proud, to know the deepest longings of my heart all wrapped up in 6 pounds and 12 ounces. Thank you for reminding me of the mother I want to be to your siblings, and for sharing your amazing heart with the world. Thank you for making it a better place, not just for our little family but for countless others. Thank you for making me a Momma, for being my baby, for being you.
Happy second birthday Sprout,
I love you,
Momma
I am typing through tears. I can never put into words how sorry I am that Joel is not here and how much I wish that you were writing a much different post today. Wishing you a few moments of peace today and the feeling of Joel close to you today.
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Happy birthday sweet baby Joel. You have done more for this world than any child I know. I'm proud to have been touched by your short life. I love you Sara and have been thinking about you and your entire family all day long.
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Cari
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Happy Birthday, sweet Joel. I am amazed by you, and love you and your family with all my heart. Always.
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love to you.
Steph
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This is such a beautiful tribute to the life and the enduring love you have for that sweet baby. So touching and hard to read but so much love and joy shines through. God bless!
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I had to keep rereading because tears would cloud my vision. I have so much awe and love and respect and amazement at how incredibly strong you are and how big and full your [broken] heart is. Joel is SO incredibly lucky to have a mama like you.
Happy Birthday, little man. May people near and far always continue to be touched by your sweet, loved life on this earth.
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Happy birthday to a little boy who changed the world. Love and prayers to you today, Sara.
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LOVE YOU SO HARD. Happy Birthday to your little man. I'm so proud of the mother you are and everything you have achieved in the past two years; all three of your children are luck to be yours.
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Happy birthday, Joel. Your story is touching so many lives. You may have just been on this earth for the briefest of five days, but you are bigger than that, your purpose was bigger, your life was bigger.
Sara -- your writing brings me to tears. Prayers for peace and love and joy to you today.
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Oh lady, I love you. I have been thinking of you today as we celebrate Seth's 7th birthday.
Those birthdays without our babies are so hard, I know.
You and Joel are in my thoughts and heart today.
Praying for all of you.
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What a sweet and touching post. I love it. I am so sorry Joel isn't here with you. Praying for you all. Happy 2nd Birthday Joel.
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Happy Birthday, Joel. Your momma is right; you have touched people in ways that have changed their lives, and will impact them for years to come. I am so proud to have got to meet you and to know your family. You guys shine with what true love really is.
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Oh, sweet Sara. I waited to read this until I had time to sit and sink into it and absorb it and cry. I love you so so much, and I love Joel, and I love this message to him, and I love your heart. I wish you knew how often I think of you. xoxoxo
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Sent a post this am, don't see it here, so just know i am thinking of you all this day, Joels special day. And send some cake this way, looks delish! Love to Joels mom, dad, little brother and sister.
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I love you, Sara Joy. This is so beautiful.
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yes, i can attest to the fact that your sweet boy has made me a better mom & person. thank you for giving us that gift. i'm so thankful that you know just what a vapor this life is so that you can grieve with hope. i'm so, so sorry that you have to grieve though, sweet sara joy. praying for your heart as you miss your boy.
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Oh, Sara Joy.
Happy Birthday, or should I say Birthmonth, to your sweet Joel.
This was beautiful. I was struck by, "That is what I want my children to remember about their mother, that they knew her heart, that she spilled it out for them every moment of their lives." Yes and yes and yes.
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I don't know your family, but I can say for certain I will be thinking of your Joel after reading your lovely post. I wish you much joy.
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