Quoting Inigo

Let me 'splain.

No. there is too much. Let me sum up.

We are mere days away from a full term, complication-free twin pregnancy. This is staggering and humbling on a multitude of levels, and our gratitude is truly boundless. I can tell you that I have done everything in my power to make this happen, but I know the truth of it is that we have been truly blessed. I cannot and will not take the credit  for this, I  know too many moms who worked too hard to get here, and circumstances beyond their control prevailed.  So I will state with certainty that these circumstances were most certainly beyond our control and we have been richly blessed. We praise God daily, and loudly.

My absence in this space has been far more painful to me than I had imagined. The words come in fleeting moments and encounters and beg to be written but time, oh how precious has time become. On one hand we counted the moments left in the hourglass to some safe state for these two little lives and every day felt like an eternity as their lungs matured and their bodies gained strength. But on the other the minutes are fleeting, for as they become stronger I become weaker and less capable, my atrophy is nearly palatable.

This pregnancy has been difficult, while free of serious troubles for any of the three of us, no one would say easy. Emotionally the phases have rolled over me and tossed me about and tonight I sit peacefully awaiting Joel's siblings. It feels like we are all here, all ready, and we all know it won't be easy. But there is peace, stunning peace and suddenly the price of the journey seems small in  comparison to this moment, this realization, this beautiful place where our family all fits in a  ready stance, eager to move forward. Physically I am taxed in a way that has never been a part of my life before. I have driven my body to its limits repeatedly, running long distances, throwing hundreds of bales of hay, riding until burning muscles gave way to complete fatigue.  But this is not that. This is utter exhaustion after tasks that barely make a to do list they are so trivial. This is chronic pain, managed by therapists and doctors and slow, hard work. This is complete weakness  and surrender, acknowledgement that I simply cannot do what my mind tells me I must. So if only two hours can be had at a desk, they must be dedicated to the work that has placed the roof over our heads, and so the words linger and meander around my mind, hoping to be written another day.

And these twins, this Red and this Green who I am so sad to have missed sharing with you lately as they continue to tell me who they are and will be and who never make their Momma wonder, with a simple placement of my hand they come and push against my palm and tell me they are well. They never  hesitate to reassure my worried mind, never still too long, creating even more  gratitude in a mother's  heart so broken and already so healed. I still wonder how well they know their brother, if he is the one who told them to be kind and responsive, and if somehow he  coached his brother into the same stubborn postition, yet destined for a different birth. Having done all in my power to convince them to be born like most babies do, I easily tell you that the plan of my Lord is far better than mine, and while the reasons may be hidden from me forever, I gladly speculate that we needed this. We needed different and Joel's birth will always be his own,  and these two as well.  We'll give them all the time they desire, and when they are ready it will be a surgeon's skilled hand that brings them into the world and quickly to the chest of their mother, right where they belong. I feel no loss in this, simply anticipation at the sight of the faces I dream of daily, and the deep longing to hear my child cry for the very first time.

And you -  you are still very much on my mind. You who say the name of my firstborn son in places of joy and worship and generosity. You who fill my inbox with loving concern as I go absent, too focused on gestation for much else, but loved and cherished nonetheless. You who drive the thoughts in my mind to share the pictures of a spendid rainbow cake made for the baby who sends the rainbows, or of this belly that defies gravity and proportion. You who make me miss this space, and realize how profoundly good people can be  - you matter so much as well in my longing to write and share and participate. You who made Joel's birthday such a stunning tribute, I am grateful for every single one of you. I smile and  I pine for those coveted moments when this is our regular space once again. Someday, I say, surely someday soon.

Soon. Very soon there will be three where now there is one and I promise the good news will be shared as it is known. I'm just so glad to be sharing it with you.
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