Unending
How do you describe missing your child?
I know so many of us have tried, I think we all do it justice and we all fail. It’s indescribable.
His little face graces my dual monitor set up and the last few days I just want so desperately to place my hand between his face and the blanket it lays on. I want to run my finger down the slope of his nose, kiss his forehead and cradle his head in my hand. I reach out to touch him and I know it is so silly but I can’t stop my arm from grasping toward him, and I can just almost touch him. I’m so close and he is so clear but I know that is a moment captured eleven months ago, and there is nothing to reach for, nothing to touch, nowhere for my fingers to land.
That feeling you get, when you just want to pick up and hold your baby? So you do? I have that too, a million times a day and when you go do it I don’t. It feels defective, because this isn’t how it is supposed to work, it should feel wrong. It is the most mistaken feeling you can think of and it doesn’t stop. It is my life now, it is all defective and distorted and while I see light and love and peace, there is still something that pulls at the edge of the picture and runs all the colors askew. It is my son, who is here and not here. Nothing is the same and nothing new is right and nothing ever will be – it is simply that we must learn to live in a world that is cockeyed, and so we are cockeyed too.
I suppose that is a little how it feels. Like we are off kilter, forever unbalanced and living in some sort of harmony that way while the rest of the world is balanced. Except none of you can see that, see the raging vacuum in my heart that rips the very ground out from under my feet while I walk because I stand in your world, all square and functioning and balanced.
Except I am not.
I know that feeling. I miss my son every day. I've stopped talking about it b/c not many people understand. Still hurts though. You're in my thoughts & prayers today
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I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry.
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"it is simply that we must learn to live in a world that is cockeyed, and so we are cockeyed too."
Yes. And I'm so sorry, because I think what's knocking you off balance, your grief over losing Joel, over Joel himself, is the worst kind of unbalancing.
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This is unimaginable to me. It just sounds beyond painful. I am so sorry.
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This weekend I was asked how many children I have. I could not answer. I could not breathe. It's the question I've dreaded since the Lord took my little one home.
You are not alone. "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4 Our grief is not too much for Him to bear.
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Sending love. I'm so glad that you can share this here. xoxo
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even in my own time of loss, I'll never know exactly how you feel and my heart is breaking for you.
As I lay in the hospital this past Friday night, deciding which procedure to endure to finalize my miscarriage, an admissions person came in the room to "ask me a few questions". Her first question was, "Is there any chance you are pregnant"?
Seriously.
I am reaching out to you and sending you a hug to lean on, and hoping that it will prop you up just a little bit, and make things seem a little less off kilter.
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Loving you, friend. So very much.
Bri
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And almost 7 years later, it still feels like that. I was actually looking at a girls blog the other day and there were pictures of her and her baby, her first daughter and my heart just broke a little. I wanted to have that innocent love in my eyes again. I wanted so badly to go back to the days when I could love without being scared of my heart being ripped to shreds again.
I know, I know, I know. I love you. You will bring home 2 beautiful healthy babies from the hospital. Those two babies will come to you fresh from their brother and he will give them each a kiss for each of you.
xoxo
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All I can say is... I know
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I have a co-worker who has five daughters. One died when she was 7. When people ask him how many children he has, he never knows whether to say four or five. He knows she lives in Heaven, but he never knows how to answer THAT question. In that way, I feel that his life is off-kilter, like you described.
Someday, I know you'll both be balanced. Someday he'll have Elizabeth again, forever, HEALED, and you'll have Joel. Forever. Healed.
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My heart aches for you. I want for you to hold him so badly. I wish we lived in a world without death ... Someday, right? Someday. Wish I could hug you, instead, I'll keep praying.
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