Hangover
Here I sit, slowly munching my way through a PB & J on whole grain, sipping milk,
logged in and working from my bed. It feels good to be productive, but also
insulated. When I leave this haven the crises that demand my attention will
assault me, and I must answer, there is no one else to put out the fires and
solve the problems today.
It feels like the day after. It is the day after my feisty aunt Marty left
us for heaven. It is the day after yet another professional volcano erupted,
and the day after new revelations about Joel’s birth have me musing yet again.
Marty was my dad’s sister, the second of them to join their parents in heaven,
her mother lost long ago to a cancer we didn’t know how to find that ravaged her
body long before a clue was found. Her father fills my childhood memories with
belly laughs, hugs and dinners around a packed table. Tressa and Joe lost a
child at birth, Steven, and it is widely believed in our family that if loved
ones ahead greet you at heaven’s gate it was they who wrapped my Joel in their
arms and told him he was home. Marty would want us all to be partying today,
and I have no doubts that a splendid reunion was had yesterday while the rest
of us greeted the dawn here on earth. Her brothers and sister remaining here
will gather with children, grandchildren, cousins and friends and do our best to
honor her very, very specific wishes. Laughter will be had and tears will be
banished. For if we gather to honor her, then we dare not mourn for that would
be selfish. She wanted laughter, so laughter she will have.
I spent time last night with a friend who knows a lot about birth, a lot about
me, and a lot about Joel. She shared some thoughts and we talked through some
things that have irked me since I’ve had so much time to review those few moments
that made all the difference. I see some things differently now, and some are more
cemented in my mind. What strikes me is that no matter how much I learn, the
information stacks higher and higher and higher that he should have lived.
There was no conceivable explanation why he died. Nearly everything was right.
The more I am able to narrow what went wrong the more I realize while he should
have lived, he was supposed to die. That was his gift to the world, to me
and to all of you. Somehow his short life is what it was supposed to be,
even if it is certainly not what it should have been. I am more determined
than ever not to squander it, to live well, and to be who I am supposed to be,
just as he did. Although I am not entirely sure what that means, I’ll spend
my life trying to figure it out, I owe him that.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And just in case you missed it, a few days ago a very special boy made his
long awaited appearance. Beth’s Eli is here, have you congratulated her?
Also, I was interviewed by the ever forward looking Esther for her new site.
If you’re interested in reading more about why I write and how I feel about
this blog you’re welcome to read it here. And check out the site, she’s a
dynamo with a vision for what this medium is becoming, I am amazed.
Here I sit, slowly munching my way through a PB & J on whole grain, sipping milk,
logged in and working from my bed. It feels good to be productive, but also
insulated. When I leave this haven the crises that demand my attention will
assault me, and I must answer, there is no one else to put out the fires and
solve the problems today.
It feels like the day after. It is the day after my feisty aunt Marty left
us for heaven. It is the day after yet another professional volcano erupted,
and the day after new revelations about Joel’s birth have me musing yet again.
Marty was my dad’s sister, the second of them to join their parents in heaven,
her mother lost long ago to a cancer we didn’t know how to find that ravaged her
body long before a clue was found. Her father fills my childhood memories with
belly laughs, hugs and dinners around a packed table. Tressa and Joe lost a
child at birth, Steven, and it is widely believed in our family that if loved
ones ahead greet you at heaven’s gate it was they who wrapped my Joel in their
arms and told him he was home. Marty would want us all to be partying today,
and I have no doubts that a splendid reunion was had yesterday while the rest
of us greeted the dawn here on earth. Her brothers and sister remaining here
will gather with children, grandchildren, cousins and friends and do our best to
honor her very, very specific wishes. Laughter will be had and tears will be
banished. For if we gather to honor her, then we dare not mourn for that would
be selfish. She wanted laughter, so laughter she will have.
I spent time last night with a friend who knows a lot about birth, a lot about
me, and a lot about Joel. She shared some thoughts and we talked through some
things that have irked me since I’ve had so much time to review those few moments
that made all the difference. I see some things differently now, and some are more
cemented in my mind. What strikes me is that no matter how much I learn, the
information stacks higher and higher and higher that he should have lived.
There was no conceivable explanation why he died. Nearly everything was right.
The more I am able to narrow what went wrong the more I realize while he should
have lived, he was supposed to die. That was his gift to the world, to me
and to all of you. Somehow his short life is what it was supposed to be,
even if it is certainly not what it should have been. I am more determined
than ever not to squander it, to live well, and to be who I am supposed to be,
just as he did. Although I am not entirely sure what that means, I’ll spend
my life trying to figure it out, I owe him that.* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
And just in case you missed it, a few days ago a very special boy made his
long awaited appearance. Beth’s Eli is here, have you congratulated her?
Also, I was interviewed by the ever forward looking Esther for her new site.
If you’re interested in reading more about why I write and how I feel about
this blog you’re welcome to read it here. And check out the site, she’s a
dynamo with a vision for what this medium is becoming, I am amazed.
living well.
my children teach me. my friends. the children we lost when i was a nurse. james & jake. joel.
each has taught me to live better.
thank you for sharing your journey. praying for you always!
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I too believe that our loved ones are waiting for us in heaven. I have a sister on earth but my two brothers are waiting for me in heaven along with so many of my loved ones.
As for why Joel died, you may never find the answer - it's something that you will have to ask Jesus once you get to heaven. I have so many "why" and "what if" questions for Him myself - I guess that I just have to be content with not having all the answers for now. (Which, by the way, totally does not conform to my personality).
Sorry for the loss of your Aunt Marty. Is there any way that I can specifically pray for your family right now?
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I know how you know - because I hand-me-down to be more than 30 pounds overweight. More willingly than I decisively claimed the fit and sturdy main part I truly wanted, I was down and depressed. Moment, I nuts tryst people and I even adoration being on echelon and in anterior of the camera. There are no longer any worries hither how I look. Instead, I'm free to blurred on the understanding I'm there.
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I hope it brings to peace. The fact that Joel could have lived. I don't know what you are feeling. I don't know how I would feel with that information. I assume my first instinct would be anger, guilt and lots of what-ifs. But I hope with all of my heart that I would eventually find the road you have. The realization that: Yes, by all accounts he *should* have been just fine, but he wasn't. And that's okay. Because this is was His will, not ours.
I remind myself on a daily basis to be pleased with His will. I pray constantly to be remind that I live the way He wants me too. That it's His will that will be done, not mine. I pray to remember that A LOT.
I also know that the sentiment of "It was meant to be." Is something that no grieving human ever wants to hear, and I don't think that's what I'm trying to say.
I actually have no clue what I'm trying to say, the feeling in my heart is having a hard time coming out and into words.
I admire you. I admire you for realizing you need to be more, and to live the way that Joel did.
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"the feeling in my heart is having a hard time coming out and into words" - Ryley
And I second that. I wish I had eloquent words or thoughts to share, but I just have love and thoughts and prayers.
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This really is a awesome post, I'm happy I recently found. I have been trying to find guest writers for my blog so if you ever decide that's something you are interested in please feel free to contact me. I will be back to look at out more of your articles later!.....
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I know I've talked about this before. About how if anyone should have had a birth injury, it should've been me. I struggle with this almost daily.
It's so hard to accept that His will is what it is, but it IS.
I carry with me daily, heavy on my heart, the lessons taught to me by James & Jake and by Joel. I'm a better mother for all three of them.
I'm struggling right now with words. I wish I could bring forth the feelings in my heart right now and put them in words. The way I felt holding Eli, the way I'll feel when I get to hold the Peppers, those feelings are indescribable. (Which is why this is the rambliest, dumbest comment ever, so I'll just say I LOVE YOU, THE END.)
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i am so touched with this whole idea. i salute you for your courage and God bless you and keep you safe in His heart
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Aw, this was a really quality post. In theory I'd like to write like this too - taking time and real effort to make a good article... but what can I say... I procrastinate a lot and never seem to get something done.....
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i saw your title hangover but the story is so different and unexpected
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i have the feeling of hangover..
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