So what’s so different about being pregnant with twins, you say?

Difference number 1: THE NAUSEA

It deserves to be capitalized because we are not talking about the stomach turning, wow, I’d better eat something I don’t feel so good thing.

We are talking about the if I weren’t such a stubborn ass of a human being I’d hurl my guts out 13 times a day but instead I just moan and wail and cannot think or do anything except look at the ceiling and burp and cough and sit way back in my chair and stand against a wall staring up and shovel mass quantities of food in my mouth to keep from throwing up kind of experience.

I know at a certain point vomit cannot be contained, but my doctor said there are people who throw up and those who don’t.

I don’t.

I will contort myself, live in sheer misery and pray for death for hours on end before I give in to the urge to regurgitate.

Because I am REALLY, REALLY DUMB.

While pregnant with Joel if I hadn’t eaten for a few hours I would munch on a snack and feel better. Some evenings, for a few weeks during the first trimester it would get worse and I would need to graze nonstop from dinner until bedtime to feel ok. The end.

It was actually the weekend of Cupcake ’10 that things started downhill this time. I noticed I really did not want sweets; in fact, I didn’t eat a single cupcake the whole weekend.

INTERJECTION: What you may not know about me is that my sweet tooth goes by the nickname Godzilla, which is well deserved. It is constant and without end, I. Love. Sweets.

So, needless to say I found this curious. On the way home I wasn’t feeling so hot, the only thing I wanted were baked lays and soda. This was the beginning of the end. The next 8 weeks or so were punctuated by moments of clarity, usually mid-day which were the only thing to interrupt THE NAUSEA.

I can’t imagine how bad perpetual vomiting must be for women who struggle with it during pregnancy, but this ran my life. When it was bad I literally could not think about anything else. I slept with a cooler next to my bed so I would have something to eat and drink ready in the middle of the night when I could not get back to sleep it was so awful. I spent my time trying to formulate strategies to remain functional – my best developed about 6 working hours mid day, but they ended abruptly at 4pm when the really bad hours began.

I ate whatever sounded good and drank only root beer and sprite. My diet consisted of pea soup, chili, triscuits, PB&J and a few other oddities. The thought of anything sweet made me gag. Taking my vitamins was an exercise in futility. I drank milk by the gallon. (Also very strange for me, I like milk; I just don’t usually drink it much.)

Until we discovered there were two little monkeys in there at 9 weeks, I assumed I was so sick because this baby was a girl. Twins explained everything.

I am still not fully functional, but if I give the Peppers exactly what they want I have relatively peaceful days. Their list of demands includes, but is never limited to:
- Very slow moving mornings. No really, like two breakfasts in bed over the course of 2 or 3 hours. The faster I get up, the sicker I will be all day.

- Lots of sleep. Most days I can go without a nap if I sleep in for the morning. If not, a nap is in order or the evening will be extremely unpleasant.

- Food. Lots and lots of food. THE NAUSEA is not contained by snacks. I have to eat until I am FULL, every time.

I am completely blessed with a flexible job, so my hours have been rather scattered. Many days lately I will work from noon until about 10pm because that is when I CAN work. Mornings where I’ve had meetings have been carefully planned and punctuated by multiple lemon drops. (Sour candy helps THE NAUSEA, not sure why, just really glad.) I am quite certain that without this flexibility my ban on throwing up would have long since been overthrown. Also, in case I forget to mention – IT IS ALL WORTH IT. I’d do anything for these babies and so a sick mama is still a happy mama, even while gagging on her toothbrush, and things are markedly less dramatic the last couple weeks.

In fact, I drafted this post yesterday, kind of high on having figured it out now that we are in the second trimester. Red and Green were not amused. I nearly vomited 3 times while cooking my second dinner last night and have had a day of near misses and rabid contortions today. I cannot begin to tell you why, hormone surge? Your guess is as good as mine.  

Dr. Incredible offered a prescription for THE NAUSEA and so far I have refused. Partly because of my stupid stubbornness and partly because I am really trying to make it with as few drugs as possible. These babies have already been subjected to a thousand more chemicals and interventions than Joel was.
Which brings me to Difference number 2:  Interventions. Progesterone and ultrasounds and appointments, oh my! Stay tuned for more fun and games with twin pregnancy!