His and Theirs. But Mostly His.
It’s Joel’s nine month birthday.
It’s my dad’s birthday too.
It’s also Tuesday, just like the day he was born.
It is sunny and approaching 50 degrees. It is probably just like it was on March 9 last year. And I’m pregnant, just like I was on March 9 last year.
Only this time I know everything I didn’t know then, and somehow am far more insecure. Fear of the unknown is for those who haven’t lived through hell. I’ll take the unknown any day.
Babies are dying and politicians are spewing toxic waste and women are in labor and somebody just got married. The earth kept turning. There are nine month old babies doing what nine month old babies do all over the world. Just not in my house.
I don’t look, I don’t want to know how big he would be or what milestones would be passing. They don’t matter, he will always be newborn. That’s all he ever got to be, here anyway. I have no idea what or who he is in heaven, I just know he is perfectly formed and perfectly joyful. I still think that’s better than any silly old milestone.
Missing him is so elusive; it’s like chasing wind, or drawing music. It whips and whirls and sometimes it whispers, but it never fades. It owns my heart and I feel so guilty when I steal a piece for the little ones in my belly. I have to believe he doesn’t mind, this is normal guilt over adding to a family. Every parent struggles with the impact on their firstborn when the second (and third) come along. This attention splitting, it hurts and pains just like my body, groaning from rapid expansion. I liked those months of devoting my entire self to Joel. This moving forward, looking on, loving others, it stares me in the face as his nine month birthday is filled with activities to sustain the twins and run our lives. This day should be his, I say to myself.
His one year birthday is beginning to loom. I tell the Peppers they aren’t allowed to do anything to interfere with his birthday. I need to make him a cake, from scratch. This mom who doesn’t bake is just obsessed with his cake.
I don’t know why.
And all this rambling simply to say that while I enjoy the sunshine, my heart is breaking as it finds a way to love these two little imps who come after the one who stole my heart first.
This guy.
Hugs to you.
Reply to this
Oh, that precious boy. And you.
Breathe in this day.
Steph
Reply to this
Love you my dear. And the cake will be perfect, just like Joel. He will love it because it will be all his and made with his mama's love, and that makes it perfect.
Reply to this
Happy 9 month birthday, little prince. I hope you know how much your mommy (& daddy) love you! And how much their friends love you, and them, and your siblings, growing in mommy's belly.
xo.
Reply to this
i know....i'd take the unknown again any day also....especially when, on these gorgeous days that almost make us forget what this past michigan winter was, my heart hurts for what should have been....i've been reading you for a little while and just wanted to say hi....
Reply to this
Hugs to you, friend.
Reply to this
Every time I see him, his beauty takes my breath away. He really is something special.
Reply to this
I think you are so right, every mothers feels this when adding the next member to the family. Yours, maybe just a little magnified.
I love seeing little tiny Joel. I can't wait until you get to tell those babies everything about him. Maybe they'll even share something they know about him that you don't.
Reply to this
This splitting of time. I get it. I didn't feel it in relation to caring for Sy and not the other babies. I think I doted on Sy more BECAUSE of the babies. It was like he was a part of them. But I felt it with Ivy. About a month after finding out I was pregnant with her, Sy was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. And I felt it again, just multiplied.
But then I had Ivy and she's amazing. And the heart expands. And love expands and expands and expands.
Thinking of you today, my sweet friend and sending so much love.
Reply to this
I've heard it said that with every person we love another room is added to our heart. It doesn't diminish the love for those already there it just increases the love we are capable of.
Happy 9 months Joel. You are loved and missed.
I'd bake a cake for his birthday too, and eat plenty and let the peppers celebrate their older brother with you.
Reply to this
Thinking of you and Joel today.
Reply to this
Thinking of you today, and your sweet, sweet Joel.
Reply to this
oh, he is SO cute.
perfectly formed, perfectly joyful. chloe asked to go to heaven yesterday. it takes our human, fleshly breath away, but your joel? he is SO joyful. praying, as always.
Reply to this
such a handsome little man. thanks for sharing him with us.
Reply to this