Here
I had lunch with a new friend. A woman I like very much, who has sadly too much in common with me. The bump rounding out her torso has come after years of agony and loss, but still in a family of loving children who call her Mommy and pray for their new sibling.
We talked for too long, as I tend to do. We said the things we don’t say in polite company and the things we don’t say to anyone because only the two women and their three unborn children at that table understand the hearts of these two mothers. Mothers who hope and who grieve. Who look back, and look forward. Who have named the babies who never came home.
She said, “I feel like I don’t fit anywhere.”
I nodded.
The little heartbeats thumping away in our bellies mock the women we love who try and try and count the days and months and test and poke and prod and still have an empty womb. And the fear in our hearts and racing thoughts in our minds make no sense to the blissfully pregnant who stroll down every street, and wave hello in our churches.
Beautiful faith echoes in both of our souls. Horrifying images and ghastly fears haunt our dreams and cast doubt on our fragile hopes. So much of what we said today needed a voice, had to be said, and just cannot be said anywhere else. For as compassionate and loving are the friends and family who support us and gather round when we mourn, they can never understand the thoughts that run through our minds - on love and loss, on babies and death, on worry and faith, on fear and hope. So much I can’t say, knowing it will be misunderstood, dismissed, or cheered away, all found a place at that small table across from a stunning smile and knowing eyes.
It is a strange, strange world where we find ourselves. A delicate grateful land filled with fleeting moments of peace and a rainbow we reach for with ever increasing trust. I am so deeply thankful to be here, but that doesn’t make it easy.
Love you.
I don't know what other response seems appropriate. But I mean it.
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a strange world indeed.
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i'm thankful that you two have each other.
and i'm thankful for you.
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I have very few local friends who have been in my position.
I thank God for the friends I've made online and through blogging who get how the moments leading up to ultrasounds make me literally shake and nearly vomit. They know why I go through pregnancies thinking "if the baby is born..." rather than "when..."
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Regardless of what brought you and this woman together, I am happy that you are making more local friends since I know we've talked about that. So YAY FRIENDS!!! And as you know, I'm always supportive of speaking things others would never say aloud.
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Love you and wish I lived next door.
And glad you have a friend with whom to discuss the undiscussable.
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I understand exactly where you are coming from. I feel misunderstood by almost everyone because they just don't understand all these things you've mentioned. I'm a mother with similar thoughts and feelings and I'm always here if you need someone to talk to/email.
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I am so glad that you have a kindred spirit in this woman. Loss can be so isolating. I've never felt lonlier than I did after suffering through infertility and loss. Not even our husbands can understand as they deal with it differently. I believe that God brought you and your friend together for a reason.
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From "new friend's" mother. I'm so glad you two found each other!
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