It’s funny in the worst, most awful way how the stark obvious can elude the person who is most ripe for the observance. We easily point it out in the silliness of life like the out of shape athletic trainer or the hairdresser with the bed head. But when it is us, well, when it is us perhaps we gain an ounce of perspective on how things that should be seen aren’t always, if at all.

And so it was that I did not piece together that high inevitably precedes low, especially with another good bye in the mix and a coming home to a life that is swallowing me whole.

I crashed. And burned. 

This is the first time I’ve retreated so far that there is nothing to write. I’ve nothing to say as I fight and claw and battle every single step back to some sort of normalcy. I have obligations, big ones, and I refuse to allow them to slip. But the rest of things are rolling around in some sort of tide pool that I haven’t the energy or gumption to clean or drain. And instead of being a refuge as it has been since I met my son, now the page holds me hostage, and this blog feels like one more thing I am not doing. One more thing I am not living up to, one more obligation unfulfilled.

And that is just plain dumb. I started this for me and for Joel. I wanted him to be remembered, to be spoken of, and I so desperately needed a place to wade through what his life left behind here in mine. I didn’t start this so I would have one more thing to do, or quite frankly, for all of you. And so while I feel I owe you something, a massive debt of gratitude for your support and love and encouragement, I know I don’t owe you my words. Especially when they are so few and hard to come by.

The snow has just started to fall in these big beautiful poetic flakes that delay the dusk with their light and I believe. I believe I will get better. I believe that words will bring me solace once again, and I believe that all of you will understand that I’m not being dramatic, or trying to drag you with me on this fanatical series of rises and falls. I believe that this is just another valley in a series, and that the mountains between are quite worth the depths.