I have determined that gratitude is about as steady as a house of cards on a four legged table with three legs propped up by soda cans in the middle of a room of 2 year olds. Sometimes it feels like I spend more time setting everything back up than it does standing. And sometimes it is so simple, like if we sent the kids outside for ice cream and no one’s around, everything stands firm and level and there is simply nothing to think about.

My work is not my passion, but it is work. Good honest work and we have been blessed with far beyond plenty because of this work. Daily I am forced to kick myself into remembering that these chores are coveted by millions, many in my own back yard. And my home is not the one I would choose, but it is stunning. Stunning and warm and more than plenty of anything I could ever need. How many are begging for a tenth as much? Or for a tent tonight in Haiti and other parts of this world? How many people will sleep under a bridge just minutes from where I lay my head on a fluffy down pillow swathed in a massive king size bed? And this man I married, it’s so easy to poke a hole in his demeanor, to be angry over petty things, to ask him for just that little bit more. This man who has given me his whole heart and his life’s work who would never lay a hand in anger, or spend a night with another. This man who STOOD UP when they told him his son was dying and stared every doctor in the eye and demanded they try harder. Do more. Make it happen. How many women envy the way he looks at me?

This list, this rambling rant of the wonder in my life goes on to infinity. My blessings exist without limit, the least of which include health and family and a God who saves. And on days when I hear about the chaos and rampant death in a poverty stricken nation it is easy to look around and gasp at the enormity of what I’ve been given. And it is just as easy to say that none of it matters because my baby is not here to share it with me. I have the privilege of being able to go visit my husband. To once again fly off on a whim and spend some time with the man I love. All around the world lovers divided think longingly of what I have at a moment’s notice. But I am tired of packing this bag and saying goodbye to my precious pets and departing from this office when I’ve nearly a grip on the mountain to do. This ingratitude, this complete disregard for things so precious storms in and knocks down the table and cans and cards like a whirlwind of stumbling toddlers.

I’ve been fighting it my whole life, and it ravages so much easier since that baby boy’s life with me ended. I consider it a victory every moment I look around and say a prayer of thanks. It is so hard to care about anything I have left when Joel is not here to share my bounty. But the truth is that no matter our burden, our blessings remain. It is easier to see them in the face of the massive human devastation and tragedy in Haiti, but they never changed, they were here all along. I simply had to choose to see what I have, instead of what I do not. And I have a whole lot.