To be a Cupcake
I’ve been struggling to write about what happened this weekend because SO MANY things happened this weekend. Those of you who have been reading a while also know that I fluctuate between writing styles quite often, and I keep getting pulled to several different ones to describe the duality of Cupcake ’10.
I finally figured out that trying to make it all work in one post was just silly, like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. You’ll get several takes on Cupcake ’10 from me; this is just the first one that demanded out of my swirling mind.
The snow is deep along the highway and its luminescence delays the dark. Dusk is extended as the miles roll past and I sit and listen to a previously unheard song.
“No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No no no no no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.”*
And at that very moment I am missing my son and my husband so much the gaping hole in my torso could absorb all the
I am surviving this new life of mine because of weekends like this one. And just how the song references the fact that substitutes won’t work, these particular women are just the ones I had to have to make this journey survivable. So many remarkable people have shaped me and held me and shown up just when I thought I was alone. Every single one of them deserves credit for my survival, and more just keep coming. For many years I have been surrounded by friends of extraordinary caliber, women and men whose character stuns and whose lives inspire. Somehow, in the face of the death of my son, this astonishing legacy continues.
First I wrote to request prayer, to update the beautiful masses. Then I wrote to thank. Then I wrote for clarity. Then I wrote to spill out the toxic mess that threatened to overrun my heart. I couldn’t stop, so I kept on writing to the faceless internet, an addict with a fix aimed toward a few faithful souls.
But something happened to me that happened to every woman who filled my short weekend with such awe and joy. I stuck a single tentative finger into the amorphous mass known as the blogosphere and left a comment there. And then there and there and there, because I had begun to understand what encouragement those few sentences offer. And even though I was broken, I knew that there was no hope in this life like hope offered to others.
And in a flood of the things that make up the best of women that nebulous mass started rolling it all back to me. In snippets of hope and encouragement, in 140 characters or less, or in one writer spurring on another, just the right women somehow appeared in my life and worked on my grief like a potter at a wheel, never leaving me dry or alone, always with a finger where I needed it, or a steady foot on the pedal.
Sitting in this dark minivan, tired and wishing I’d eaten less candy and more vegetables, it feels like the past few days are somehow the culmination of that miracle. That in the great big world of bloggers somehow just the right women, were in just the right place, to make just the right magic where we believe in what we do, and who we are. Where it was ok to come to breakfast with no makeup and eat a cupcake without apology. Where you don’t make excuses for your blog, and you can say that you aren’t sure if you should blog anymore at all. Where you can admit that validation matters and sometimes you want to give up.
Since Joel social events are extremely difficult, my anxiety is very difficult to control and I rarely know how much I will be able to handle ahead of time. I chose to attend Cupcake ’10 because I knew I would be in the presence of people who would never ask anything more of me than what I could be at that very moment. I can’t think of a bigger testimony to the beauty of these women than simply to tell you I was right.
*The Weepies, “Gotta Have You”
This is so very beautiful that you've left me speechless. Which as you learned this weekend, rarely happens.
I love you. So much.
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Wow.
This was just so beautiful and perfect.
Thank you.
xo
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Oh Sara, once again you give me Goosebumps. Such a beautiful post coming from a beautiful woman. I'm so glad I got the chance to meet you at Cupcake and wish I had more time to talk to you. Hopefully again soon.
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WOW!.. I am seriously speechless at how beautiful and honest that was. I wasn't even going to leave a comment but then I realized I had to for just the reasons you mentioned. We are all here holding each other up in our giant nets.
I am so glad this weekend was so good for you.
You are so strong and beautiful!
and uh.. what's for lunch?? I'm STARVING!
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p.s. I LOVE THE WEEPIES!
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Yes, amazing. Have you considered that maybe the people coming into your life is not random or by coincidence, or their own doing, but because of the awesome in YOU attracting it, bringing it in?
This post was spectacular.
Steph
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Beautiful, as always! In a very short time you taught me that I don't have to keep all of my emotions trapped inside. It is okay to let my heart break for the broken hearted.
Like you I have so much to process and say and more than will fit in one concise post.
Thank you so much for sharing YOU!
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Sara JOY.......you are so aptly named. You bring Joy to all who love you, care about you and worry about you.
I am SO delighted you had this weekend with such lovely people. I prayed for that.
Some day lady, you and I will meet, with lovely Jen too.
As an Army Mom I am also very happy to know there are men of Leo's character directing our troops.
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Sara, you have a beautiful heart. Thank you for sharing some of it here; you really touch me with your writing, and I was inspired and moved by your honesty and strength this weekend.
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I felt so honored to be amongst the cupcakes (what a silly sentence).
Thank you for sharing so openly.
Even if we didn't speak one-on-one, I heard you.
Ann
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I am so glad you were able to go and be with the girls. The beginning (first 3 years) can be SO incredibly lonely. I wish I had been able to be there and give you a big squeeze.
love you.
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beautiful friend.
just wishing we could have spent more time than just hellos. it was amazing to meet you - if only for a second.
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I didn't get to talk to you enough. But I got to see you and talk to you enough to see the thing that is YOU, that my friends and others are so in love with. You are a gift to us as much (if not more) than we are a gift to you. It amazes me too, to discover these kindreds in the midst of writing, of feeling so apart from anything.
Love your words. And you. Keep writing them just as they come. No expectations. No pressure. All we really want is to know YOU. Because we see you and hear you and think the world of you.
Thank you for this beautiful post. It's really that. Beautiful!
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Sara - I feel ridiculous. You and I existed in that same space and our paths never really crossed. How does that happen? I guess we were each absorbing what we needed from that incredible space. I didn't even get to hear your story because my daughter called crying before you spoke but I read your bio before you arrived and knew of your story. It makes my heart feel good to know that this gathering gave you strength and support and love and I hope in some way, you know that I support you too and as in the collective spirit of the women there, I want to send you strength. I hope we get to meet and talk next time....
Lee
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It's an extraordinary non-accident (is that a word?) when certain people are ushered into our lives at certain times.
This was beautiful and I wasn't even there...I was 1,000 miles away but I can still picture the depth of friendship and safety women extend when we are willing to drop pretense and fear and be ourselves.
I am so glad all of you (some of my favorite bloggers) got together.
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Sara - you continue to astonish me with your grace and strength. "And even though I was broken, I knew that there was no hope in this life like hope offered to others." It took me years to figure that out.
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This is so beautiful, JUST LIKE YOU. Your words hold so much power in them.
I love that we had that weekend together.
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