Obligatory
I’m not going to review the year.
It’s too much. Even if I short list, it still looks like a lifetime.
Graduate law school.
Have first child.
Child dies.
Survive.
Husband out of town.
Have early miscarriage, fertility issues.
Keep surviving.
What the short list doesn’t tell you are all the things behind the scenes. All the wonderful people and experiences behind the simple words and all the moments of joy, peace, and pain that make life so lifey. (to quote the ever apt Stephanie) It doesn’t tell you that for as scary and awful as most of it sounds I never want this year to end.
2009 is the year of Joel. The year we joked our baby was a genius, graduating from law school before he was ever born, walking the stage with me as a full term baby, tucked safely in my rotund belly under a long black robe. I have loathed the passing of minutes ever since he died. I hate that the world keeps spinning, leaving him frozen in place, immobilized in four and one half days, no more memories, no more experiences, no changes, no growth. He will forever be who he was, and will forever be locked in that ambiguous time frame labeled 2009.
And here we go walking away from it. The rest of us will live in 2010. Joel won’t. I’ve accepted all of these things, I just don’t like them.
I am rarely awake at midnight. I doubt I will be tonight. And when I wake up tomorrow it will no longer be the year my son was born, lived, and died. It’s just another in a multitude of reminders that this life is not where I will know him. This life has to persist, move on, continue. My comfort lies where it always has, thanks to a savior who was born, lived and died. As the numbers in the years climb away from the year of Joel, so diminish the years remaining until I spend an eternity with my baby.
Is it 2011 yet?
Oh Sara, this was beautiful. Like a song. I am so sorry. Can't wait to hold you soon.
Steph
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2010 will be the year that Joel lives and continues to live. Just living, just life, full of beauty and hope. I love you.
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"And here we go walking away from it."
Oh wow. You are a sweet, sweet mama. Thank you for having faith in the midst heartbreak. And for sharing that with us.
just...wow.
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oh how i wish i could hug you. i'm so sorry, sara.
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So beautiful and painful all at the same time. We are all with you.
Erin is write, 2010, 2011, 2075 will all be years that Joel lives.
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Wow. Wow. I so hear you. Grieving with you. Loving you from a distance.
Bri
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Joel always lives!! He does!! He is in my heart always.
Everyday I think of you and Leo, and Joel.
And I so value your email to me......yes, JOEL Lives!!!
I can't tell you much I pray for good things for you and Leo, and all of the family that so adore Joel.
Shirley
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I wish so much for you. But mostly, I think, I hope and pray that you can feel Joel with you, always. Not in the way that you had hoped and dreamed but in a different way. One that comforts, one that loves, one that embraces you - always - every day of every year.
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First time commenting. I feel like we have a lot in common. I lost my son Matthew in July 1006, followed shortly by an early miscarriage in January 2007. That seems like a long time ago now that it is 2010, but I still think of Matthew every day. I wish I had something helpful to say to you. All I can say is that even though each tragedy compounds the grief from the one before, God has provided for me. I'm finding better ways to cope - and that is my prayer for you.
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This is an extremely practical presentation that gives great examples of how to engage people in executing the plan. I found this very insightful. סמס
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