Joel's Noel

I could write the post so often lamented by babyloss mamas about that first Christmas when a little someone is so conspicuously absent. I really could. I could write about how Christmas has been my favorite forever and ever and this year there isn’t a spec of holiday cheer pulled up from the basement shelves. I could tell you how my stubborn independent streak would have driven me to put up our 9 ft tree myself, but it just went up the night after Leo got home; his absence was the perfect excuse not to try such a foolish endeavor. (Although those who know me are familiar with much sillier tasks I’ve attempted and finished on my own.)

But I just don’t have it in me. I’ve exhausted my newly driven well of sadness, it has run dry. And while exhaustion still plagues me daily (I could call it depression but I’m stubborn like that), I have used up the entire reserve of sadness and sobbing allotted me this year.

I’m somewhere in the middle, where enthusiasm is absent and glee is far off, but weeping and gnashing of teeth have long left the building as well. I’ve hope for the future, both in my salvation and in the promises of God for his people in this life. I’m in his hands and so is every paltry aspect of my daily life. I’ve cheer and joy enough in the savior whose birth we celebrate in just a few days. So while the little red fleece sleeper that says “My first Christmas” sits lonely in a drawer, my heart remains full knowing my baby doesn’t need a tree and bows and wrapping and adorable winter garb. He lives Christmas every day.

I’ll celebrate that this year.

Posted by Sara Joy at 12/22/2009 1:07 PM
Categories: Joel, Grief

Previous Post
Next Post

 
Trackbacks
Trackback specific URL for this post
  • No trackbacks exist for this post.
Comments
Display comments as (Linear | Threaded)
Page: 1 of 1
Page: 1 of 1
Leave a comment

 Enter the above security code (required)

 Name

 Email (will not be published)

 Website

Your comment is 0 characters limited to 3000 characters.