Grimm
This is not a solicitation.
It is a musing.
And I write it under the functional understanding that feelings are often fleeting and despair is likely temporary. But I’ve had a revelation that begs to be shared, and so share it I shall.
What’s missing, what’s lost these days is not what was lost before. I’ve gone looking and assuming and just flat out believed that it was my Gratitude that had gone wandering again and needed to be brought home where it belongs, snuggled next to the fire of my heart, kindling flames of future dreams with the reminder of the good life that is here and now.
I was wrong.
It is my Hope that is lost and won’t be found. She’s never wandered before, even in the darkest days and nights when tortured with visions of a lifeless child and pain that warped my exhausted mind, she never wandered. She flitted in and out, dodging the flying arrows of agony and mourning, glowing and bright like a pixie who refused to be discouraged and just leave. She’d stay for hours and days on end and when the arrows flew she’d duck in and out but never far and never gone and certainly never taking a vacation or a break or a sick day. Not Hope, she lived alive and well and faithful as a guardian angel with just as important a job.
But now she’s gone missing. Dear Hope has left and isn’t even in hiding or just down the block at a friend’s ready to be summoned with calls out the front door that it’s time to return, she’s packed her fairy backpack and left for parts unknown where she might be welcomed and adored instead of peppered with darts and arrows and cyclonic storms to weather.
And whose come in her stead? Who is here to take her room and her place at the dinner table? None other than the twins known as Anxiety and Dread. This gruesome pair who fight and quibble and steal and hog the bathroom at inopportune times have pirated the residence. They’ve emptied the cupboards and broken the remote control and refused to shower til the stench of them leaves all of us begging for nose clips and wandering the sidewalks in an effort to find something that doesn’t reek of awfulness the way our home does now. They hate babies and futures and bellies and joy. They stifle and moan and beat down the mere intention that there might be something good left in this world, and nothing enrages them more than something good for someone else. No joy is to be had and certainly no joy for others, perish the thought. It sends them on rampages with grunting and clubs and greasy hair flying as they smash and grab and make a mess of everything they find. There isn’t an intact light bulb to be found.
We all suspect and might even tell you we know that they tried to hurt dear Hope but she is swift and nimble and escaped by the skin of her perfect teeth, and it’s no wonder to anyone that she hasn’t returned. Secretly I think we are glad that she is safe somewhere even if it isn’t here, but we all wonder what it might take for her to return. Anxiety is big and powerful and Dread is lightning fast and so heavy as to smother anything he touches, can they be defeated? We dare do nothing but wait, and the waiting is long and dank without our Hope like a sinister, moldy dungeon with no lights or windows and nothing to do to pass the time but sit and be miserable.
So sit and be miserable we shall while Hope is far, far away and Anxiety and Dread rule the day and nothing makes the time fly by and it wouldn’t matter anyway because there is nothing to look forward to without Hope. This is indeed the sad current state of affairs, perhaps temporary, but accurate nonetheless. The twins rule with an iron fist of reminders that happy endings don’t exist and babies die after all and Hope is a silly, fleeting thing that just makes believe that good things come to those who wait or some such nonsense because we’ve all seen it proven untrue time and again. And to think she will return and set things right is madness because how can one hope for Hope? One needs her to believe in her and we’ve neither nor any reason to want them as we all begin to look and smell like the twins. A sad state of affairs indeed.
will handfuls of halloween candy help lure Hope back? it better because that's what i'm trying. then i'm going to try pumpkin pie and turkey. and then presents under the christmas tree. and if NONE of those gets dear Hope back, pour an extra glass of champagne when the clock strikes midnight…2010 might just be everyones years.
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She's there. I promise you, she is.
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SaraJoy,
I have nothing to offer you but that I am here. And I hear. And I'm sorry.
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I so badly want to kick Anxiety and Dread's asses but I KNOW how important their role is right now. They are so dark but so necessary on this journey that I hate so much that you are on.
This is beyond powerful. This is painfully beautiful. and this is horribly true.
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