Wow. Ummm, I have been trying to think of something nice to say all day.

The best I did were a couple friendly type professional work emails.

But I am in rather foul humor.

Rather.

Somewhere between the crippling depression and peaceful acceptance is this region of ANGRY and JUDGY and MEAN. My face feels like it is made of concrete and smiling is physically painful. It cracks my scowl. Talking makes me nauseous.

I can’t stand people. Any people. I can find something not to like about everyone. Don’t ask me to prove this, I will be ashamed and you will be horrified at the things that come out of my mouth.

It is a self-obsessed, self-destructive whirlpool of hate and loathing and no one is exempt, especially me. I think I probably hate me the most of all. But don’t cross my path, you may feel like I hate you the most of all.

This is not me. This is not God.

The alternative explains the ugliness.

But I can’t just *snap* out of it.  In fact the more I try the worse it gets. I can find ten things to be angry and bitter about for every one to be grateful about. The more things I try to point out that are good or wonderful in my life the faster the storm cloud whips around my head and the darker things get.

It’s about pitch black.

I am (finally, I think) really, really ticked at God. Oh the anger and the rage and the pure fury I have spewed at the sky the last few days. It’s a good thing that whole “send lightning to strike you dead” thing is a myth. My poor little dog would be singed.

I just wrote a paragraph about things I am mad about. I deleted it; I don’t want a permanent record of that kind of viciousness. It boils down to injustice. It’s all I see everywhere. I’m like a 7 year old whining at the top of my lungs “IT’S NOT FAIR!” I know it isn’t, I can usually accept that.

But not today. Today not fair is infuriating me. Seeing it is making me physically ill.

I’ll be back when I have something nice to say. Until then I’ll be dodging lightning and trying not to say anything at all.