For the Love of a Horse
Her stall is empty now. It is recently vacated by a young horse affectionately known as Harry Potter for the lightning bolt across his forehead. He is out for the winter to grow and mature in the company of a fat, hairy pony named Denny.
I put a horse in the cross ties as I have a hundred times since that night, just inches from the wall we used to support her as her entire body shook and she threw herself into the oak boards, delirious with pain as we frantically called the vet.
I glance to my right at the overhead door at the end of the aisle. It is closed now against the unseasonably cold winds that already whip across the hayfield, forcing horses into blankets and the barn buttoned down tight. It’s the door we walked out together, she ably hopping on three legs, pain medicine effectively keeping her comfortable and me, slowly stumbling as tears began to flow from my eyes. A moment later I lived in a metaphor so rich it is burned on my brain forever. Mark walked up beside me, took her lead rope from my hands, and walked forward with confidence. She hobbled ahead with assurance alongside this man we both trusted so much. I wasn’t going to get there, we all knew it. I was trying to be gentle and give her time to go slowly, but it wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t be the one to bring her to her death.
I’m grateful the door is closed, but when I go out to my Jeep the headlights will shine out past the hay barn to the field where our small motley party marched that day. A compassionate, gifted vet with an ugly job to do, a stunning horse whose short life was marked with adversity, a broken woman, a talented trainer and his open hearted wife.
I fell to the ground with her. It was Carol who picked me up and walked me back to the house for a welcome glass of wine. She knew what I needed, and that going home wasn’t yet an option. Suddenly a horse stomps and snorts and I am back in the moment, another stall to clean and an aisle so sweep before we ride tonight.
Tink, so much has happened since you left. A baby came this summer; a baby came and left and he taught me so much and I know I couldn’t have survived his life if I hadn’t known you. Did you know that you were one of the biggest reasons I ever started to believe I could be a mom? When you were awful and unlovable and I was doing it all wrong, I still loved you with all my heart. I still believed in you and was willing to do whatever it took to help you have a better life, whether you wanted it or not. Those days when you were so angry and I was so tired and we didn’t know if you were ever going to come around, but I stayed strong when I wanted to give in and just kiss your face – Tink, those are the days when I started to imagine this was a hint of what it meant to be a parent and I knew I could do it. And how I finally realized I could just love you no matter who you were or what you would become, you helped me see that my heart could love you even if you weren’t going to be the fancy show horse I dreamed you’d be. I learned that what I always wanted was you, not for you to fit some dream of mine.
My dearest Stinkerbell, do you know what else he taught me? He taught me that I never really grieved for you. I couldn’t handle the thought of you, I couldn’t talk about you or see your picture without crying. And so I shut out the memories of you, but that baby Tink, grieving for that baby taught me how to grieve for you. I miss you more than ever but I am so glad you were my four legged baby, I wouldn’t trade our life together for anything.
I don’t know if horses go to heaven, but I really hope they do because if you are there I know you bent down your pretty face and tilted one of your donkey ears when that baby got there and he whispered the whole story in your ear and you already know. You know that you need to keep him company and be his pony until I get there. You know that I got to be a mom, and that you are loved and missed and remembered. You know that my life is permanently marked by your life, in a beautiful pattern only rivaled by your coat. I think you already know, I think you always knew; now I do too.
Yes, Sara, the box of Kleenex was worth it. I used a few reading this. Thank you for sharing your Tinkerbell and your Joel with your adoring family. Love you all, MOM
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Thanks for letting me meet Tink. It was an honor to get to meet someone who meant so much to you.
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hugs to you mama.
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I think I used pack of kleenex reading this. I have to stop reading these as work. Anyway...She was a pretty amazing equine friend. I'm just glad I got to see her when she was just a baby and I could be there for you and got a chance to say good bye to her that last weekend, poor girls. Where does the time go? Sometimes it feels like that was just a few months ago. I'm glad she was a part of your life, even if it was only for a few short years. She has left a big hoof print on your heart. You are a wonderful mamma. Anyone can see that. It's funny it took a half-ton kid for you to realize that is what you COULD be and a seven pound little piece of heaven for all us to see what you ARE, MAMMA, always and forever. Love you seeester. Lis
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What a beautifully told memory. God bless you and Tink and Leo and Joel. There are a lot of people out here who love you and who you have touched with your story.
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Many hugs to you.
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oh my.....i just found your blog from beth's site. i found this entry and am bawling my eyes out....my husband and i, our three dogs and two horses, live in holly, not far north from you. my horse, a 19 year old quarter horse named winter, is my tink....i had a miscarriage last month and i think he knew it was going to happen before i did because the day before we were told there was no heartbeat, he came up behind me and put his chin on my shoulder when i was cleaning his stall...and wouldn't move. he just stood there and wouldn't let me move until i put my rake down, turned around and just hung there with my arms around his neck with my face in his mane drinking in his smell....
anyway, i am so very sorry for your loss. royal oak beaumont is the best hospital i have ever been to (that's where i went last month even though genesys is only 5 minutes from us) and i used to live in boston where there are so many "award winning" hospitals....i'll take beaumont and their staff over any boston hospital every day of the week....
have fun this weekend in wisconsin - stay warm! and tell beth i said hi - she knows me
libby @ ninesandquines
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