We could fill all the servers in all of webby-dom if a post of all my jealousy were to be written. Easily.

But a new kind has taken over in the last week or so. It’s a different kind of jealousy; it’s more pervasive, but not trite, deeper, but not angry. It’s obsessive and palpable; I actually live in the moments I covet.

Funny thing is my jealousy stems around moments most woman really don’t enjoy. I only avoid the use of the word hate because I do not like it, not because it is too strong. Because many women come close to hating the last days before giving birth. But I did not. I loved them. And I want. them. back.

I liked being all huge and pregnant and waddling. I liked having my mom around, helping out and making sure we were ready. I liked ticking things off my list and just generally being excited. So incredibly excited. I know that my easy pregnancy is a big part of why those moments are good memories, and I also know that not every moment was fun. I was uncomfortable and frustrated at times. But overall, well, overall they were amazing days.

Right now it just seems like I am surrounded by women in that phase, ready to labor, going into labor, giving birth. I can’t help but wonder if this stems from my desire for a re-do.

I want to do it over.

I want to get it right.

I want to save our son.

But I think it’s more than that. I think the jealousy stems from the fact that I really loved that part, and I so desperately want what they have, what I had. I want my innocence back. I want my baby back in my belly. I want to believe it is all going to be ok. I want to believe in my ability to birth. I want to feel that wonderful feeling again.

Part of me wants to do this again and I’m jealous because I’d like to be at that phase already, hoping to have our baby in my arms in just a matter of days. Not a re-do but another chance. I have to wonder though, if we get another chance if I will enjoy those last days again, or if they will be filled with so much doubt and fear that they refuse to be enjoyed in the slow, wandering way I did the first time. That’s what I really crave, a baby in my belly and the crystal clear belief that these peaceful days of anticipation will end in nothing but joy. I’m jealous of that, and I’m pretty sure that will be as hard to get as a re-do.