It is hard to put into words how many things become odd after losing a child. How many seemingly mundane tasks suddenly take on meaning, or how many common occurrences instantly become unbearable. The image of the world around you shifts and the picture becomes clear and sharp in unusual places, blurry where it was once focused and swirled where most people see plain, straight lines.

Weird unintended consequences spring up everywhere. I told Leo a few months ago that it is hard for people to see us, we make them sad. When people see us they are reminded of our tragedy, and perhaps of a loss in their own lives, or frightened that this could happen to them. I occasionally feel like some kind of strange outcast – where pregnant women dare not look on me for fear my life could become their own. I don’t blame people for being uncomfortable around us, most days I am uncomfortable around us. I know that it isn’t personal and it certainly is not a reflection of how incredibly caring people have been toward us since Joel was born.

But it is still weird. I feel like I carry a responsibility with this story. Here on the wonderful interwebby awesomeness where I have met so many amazing women through other women through other women I will happen upon a new blogger/tweeter that I would love to get to know better. But she is newly pregnant. Or about to go in labor. And I don’t want her to read my blog. I don’t want her to know about this, about how life can turn on a dime, how the most responsible, loving decisions can cruelly haunt you, how God sometimes says no.

I don’t know what to do with this responsibility. I haven’t figured it out yet. I still hesitate before I hit “follow”, and sometimes I just don’t. I really do not want to take it lightly; I feel like our story has real, honest weight and it should not be thrown around in ignorance. It means something to me that I can allow someone to live on in the joyful bliss that I did during my pregnancy. I knew of complicated pregnancy stories, but mine was going well so it never occurred to me that something might go wrong later. I didn’t know that healthy babies die. I don’t think I should blindly throw that at another mother…should I?