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For just one split second this morning, I could smell him. This picture is the background on my computer, and when it came up today I caught a whiff of his smell; sweet baby with a hint of bitter NICU chemicals. I closed my eyes for just a moment and I could touch his cheek and I kissed his forehead. I opened my eyes and stared furiously at the picture, conjuring every memory I could. Every single memory I have with Joel in it ran through my mind as I wrestled to find just one more.
There aren’t enough. There aren’t nearly enough.
Oh Sara, my heart hurts for you. I know that smell and I wish so much that you had that little boy with you right now. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I am proud of you.
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Oh, Sara!! That picture is so beautiful.
Joel is so beautiful, and Sara is too.
My heart hurts for you every. single.day.
But I know Joel lives!!
But alas, I know you and yours wish that it was HERE.
All I can do is keep praying for you to find some kind of peace.
And I will contnue doing that.
With Love,
Shirley Darbee
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Hugs to you. I'm sorry I have nothing else to offer you. My thoughts and prayers are small, but I hope they bring you some comfort.
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You're right, sweetie, there aren't enough. But what a gift that was, right? You've been sharing with us your recent struggle, this re-tearing open of the wound. This moment strikes me as a little balm, a reminder that He knows you hurt and that He longs to comfort. I pray for you that you will be lifted up, renewed. I pray for many, many more of those good moments.
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I just came across your blog and wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss. I just recently experienced the loss of my own baby girl. She was born on 8/28/09 and died that same day. I know (and long for everyday) the smell you refer to all too well...
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You have totally been blessed with the gift of writing. I wish i had 1/2 the talent that you have. I agree with that smell. When I smell a soap in the wash room it brings back all those memories. i am glad you have those to remember Joel! God be with you!
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I believe you will be with your son for eternity... you will always get to see him and smell him, but in an even more glorious state (one in which your memories can't even compare). What you are going through now is a momentary separation. Though incredibly difficult and painful, it is temporary.
Praying for your peace...
- Jacob
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
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