I have some really cool things to say about some really cool people. I really wanted to post that today.

But the truth is that my little funk is not letting up and now I am just annoyed.

And angry.

I feel like I have started this grief thing all over again and it ticks me off. I don’t want to repeat all the mire I have already slogged through.

And I am soooo mad at God right now. Everything seems incredibly unfair. Really God? Those people get to keep their baby? Really?

And I KNOW that this life is not about fair. That God didn’t promise us fair, and thank goodness for that because I know what I deserve due to my sin. I know my salvation is, in fact, incredibly UNfair.

But really? THOSE people get a healthy baby? REALLY?

I had to see my baby like this.

I had to hold him with tubes and wires and scary monitors and a stinking machine keeping him alive.

The only time I really got to hold my baby is when he was dying.

I would so like to be the bigger person today and be sharing the grace and hope I know I have in Christ but today is one of those days where I am selfish, and ungrateful and just plain angry. I hate being like this. I know this isn’t who God called me to be, but days like today it feels like who he called me to be is stinking miserable too, so what the heck?  

I am just sick and tired to death of having a dead baby and I can’t begin to process the fact that this is the rest of my life. Every stinking day. Forever.

This quagmire is more awful because on the bad days I really can’t remember what the good days feel like. Its true on the good days too, though, I really won’t remember why I couldn’t see the hope and joy today.

But I can’t.