We’d been married just shy of a month when I figured out that even if we were so fortunate to get pregnant RIGHT NOW, I could still finish law school before my due date. Leo was completely ready so I headed to the doctor, more than a little nervous.

Leo and I are not young - we aren’t old either (unless you are 16) but neither of us has ever had a child or even attempted to do so, and the possibility that this might not work loomed large in our minds. After twenty years of telling our bodies not to make a baby, we had to wonder if they wouldn’t, or couldn’t. And who knew how long it would take us to get pregnant, even if we could? We had no idea, so we figured I’d get checked out, and with a clean bill of health we would leave it in God’s hands and see what happened. I made an appointment for September 2, 2008, hopeful.

I like the doctor’s office right away; friendly, clean and comfortable. The OB understood exactly why I was there and quickly assured me that with my good health and Leo’s fitness she would be surprised if we had an issue. During my exam she manually palpated my abdomen, just like every other exam. She stopped, and went back over one side near my hip. “Hmmm,” she said. “Hmmm?” I said, panic mounting in my voice. “Just a cyst on your ovary, I think,” she said and proceeded to tell me this was very normal but she wanted me to have an ultrasound just to make sure that there was nothing more serious happening. Normal, a cyst is normal. Hmmm indeed.

Don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic.

I called Leo. I called my mom. I tried really super hard not to panic. (This always works, right? Errr no.) So a few days later, on Friday September 5 I drank 32 ounces of water and tried very hard not to have an accident as I went in for an ultrasound. I can tell you a hundred times when God has placed just the right person in just the right place at just the right time. One of them was my ultrasound tech. She had a daughter who had waited to have children until she was exactly my age, and everything had gone just perfect. She wasn’t supposed to tell me or show me anything, but she did. And what a wonderful gift she gave me when she said, “See? That’s your ovaries, they are perfect. The left one has a follicle about to burst, see it? That’s what your doctor felt, you’re going to ovulate in a few days. Everything is perfect and normal and working just like it should be.”

How amazing is it that I got to see Joel before he was even conceived? That memory is priceless, what a miracle our bodies are, what an amazing miracle that my body works, that it does this incredible thing that a little bulge on my ovary can become a baby, that I got to see our baby before he was a baby. Unbelievable.

I had some cramps on September 9 and realized I was ovulating. Nine months later to the very day our son Joel James was born. That was three months ago today. One year ago today a panic inducing cyst somehow became a baby. Our baby, our miracle.

So this is Joel’s day, in more ways than just one. It is his three month birthday, a date I will never forget, and yet another day I miss him with everything I have. 

                  Happy three month birthday little man, this day is all yours.