Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you may go.

When I gave my life to the Lord I was obsessed with the book of Joshua. Likely because it is short and easy to understand. Or perhaps because I love the story, how incredibly human Joshua comes across and how God is just so patient and so clear and so brilliantly faithful. But my favorite verse was always verse nine, partly because God repeats this command to Joshua over and over. I really love that I am not the only one who doesn’t always listen, who doesn’t get it the first time, who needs more than once to incorporate the information in their face.

I also loved the language. It doesn’t say “don’t be afraid.” That would be too simple, because living this life doesn’t just make me afraid, it terrifies me. God gets that. Sigh. Thanks God, for getting that. This life? These things you want me to do? Not just scary, TERRIFYING.

And you know what else? I am sensitive, this equals EASILY DISCOURAGED. Ask my mom how fun that is in a 9 year old. God gets that too. This life beats the tar out of everyone, but for those of us who feel every pebble? Discouragement is on the daily menu. He knows and he says we don’t get to give into those things, know why? This is the best part, the Lord our God is with us wherever we may go. We don’t get to be terrified or discouraged because we aren’t alone. Ever. It isn’t just up to us, we don’t have to do it on our own. Oh praise the Lord because I really can’t. If it was up to me I would never get out of bed again. It isn’t. God is with me, he makes possible what my human self flat out canNOT do because I am just too terrified and discouraged on my own.
Wherever I may go. This means every single moment, and every place you never thought you’d be. Every moment that is wonderful and ever place that is so ghastly it defies comprehension. God was with Joel when he was trying to be born. God was with me when I was trying to birth my son. God was with Leo and me when the doctor sighed, wrung his hands, lifted his head and said “there is no change, there is no activity.” Wherever you may go. I would feel so entitled to be terrified, discouraged and to just give it up – if I were alone. I’m not, and I haven’t been for a single minute of my life.

My thoughtful friend Cassie sent me this verse when we were in the NICU with Joel. She didn’t know it was my favorite. But God knew I needed a reminder that I wasn’t alone, and neither was Joel or Leo. I needed to be commanded once again not to give in, and reminded why it was possible. The last few months of my life have contained moments that are so horrifying my brain has trouble processing they are real. The only thing that makes it survivable is that God is with me, wherever I may go.