Running the Numbers
I am working on a couple of really tough posts.
I know that I don’t have to write anything, but I really feel compelled to share Joel’s birth story, and our choices and views on home birth. It’s hard to write Joel’s birth story because it lacks a happy ending, and I think most birth stories go through the hard parts with a gloss from the happy ending. Ours is raw and uncomfortable, and I have no way of knowing if I would see the preceding 24 hours differently with a different ending. And I am so defensive of our choice to birth at home I struggle to write with any coherence. I know I don’t have to defend our choice, but I want to, I so deeply want others to see that we weren’t being ignorant, or rash or careless. It’s hard, because maybe no one even thinks that, but in my head the fingers point and wag.
But before either story makes sense I need to preface them with a little perspective. Part of what makes losing a child so incredibly hard is that babies just don’t die. That’s the thing, most often, they don’t.
I don’t gamble. I don’t like the feeling of it and it is something I am personally not comfortable with – Leo, on the other hand, buys lotto tickets rather frequently; although I have yet to catch him bettin’ on the ponies. But I digress.
Truth be told, we all gamble. All day every day we play the odds in the choices we make. We eat the food in our refrigerators and at restaurants, we drive our cars, we shake hands, we touch surfaces, we go for walks and runs and we take our medicine. Statistically, all these things should be fine, and usually are. Because any one of the things on that list could kill anyone one of us, have killed people in the past and will do so today and for the foreseeable future. We all make choices for ourselves and our children based on the odds. The odds would tell us that a child in a car seat is safer than in your lap. One in a million times that will be false. Someone’s child died somewhere because that child would have been safer in their lap. This is how statistics are compiled and odds are made, there is a majority, and no matter how small, there will always be a minority.
Small minority, like, for example 3-4 babies out of every hundred are breech at birth and ninety-six percent of those 3-4 babies are born by Cesarean section. So let’s talk about the small minority of breech babies that are born vaginally. A large majority of that small minority are just fine. In fact, nearly all of them. But there is that one in say, 2,000 babies who happened to be breech, who happened to be born vaginally who happened to have an issue. Out of those babies with an issue, perhaps only 1 in 10 would die. Are you following me here? The odds were by far in our favor. What happened to Joel, and to us was a fluke, a statistical anomaly, the slim minority. We are the one in a million that prevents doctors from using the word “certain”.
These numbers are comforting to me in a way. (And there are more numbers, good heavens the research one can do on g00gle – they all say the same thing, this happens, just almost never.) The numbers tell me that we made good choices for our son, that we didn’t gamble on his life irresponsibly, that we did what intelligent, loving parents would do. Being one in a million is often looked at as a good thing, for us it was devastating. But no one can dispute that they would stake their children’s lives on being one of those 999,999, not the other one.
This brings me to the part I struggle with. God chose us to be the one. Part of my issue with gambling is its relationship to a God who is in control. So if God is in control, he could have made us one of the 999,999. He could have healed our son at any one second of the nearly five days Joel lived. He could have granted us our miracle. He didn’t.
That stings, to put it mildly.
I trust that God’s plan is better than any I could string together. I know that I may never understand why Joel’s life was so short. We may never know why he chose us to be that one in a million, why he chose Joel. I can tell you truthfully though, I wouldn’t trade a hundred years with anyone else for the four days with my Joel. He was our son, this was the plan for our baby, and I don’t get it, but it is ours. I am aware that my perspective is a teeny-tiny piece of a great big world and so I have no idea the ripple effect of our son’s life and death. I love and trust the Lord even in the midst of my grief. But most days I still can’t pray without tears, and I yell as often as I smile.
We didn’t just play the odds. We did the research; we worked hard to make sure that we were setting our son up for the best outcome. But most importantly we placed him in the hands of an all-knowing all-loving God. Our God doesn’t play the odds, he decided to make us the one in a million.
That still won’t get me to play the lotto.
Sara & Leo, you posted that your story lacks a happy ending but I beg to differ. You have exercised great strength in your faith and never hesitated to display that to the world. I know words may just be words at this point, but Joel's five days changed me a bit, and I'm sure I am not the only one... My sister Camille just passed away unexpectedly and I have to believe that watching you grieve so faithfully has warmed me up for my grieving for my sister Camille... I feel very sad, sometimes a little lost, and sometimes a little angry for my loss and that my parents had to bury their daughter. But never once have I questioned God, not for a second. I am very proud and relieved of that. And you have played a role in that foundation... I love you guys! And I overuse ellipses...
Reply to this
This is a excellent posting, I located your website browsing aol for a related topic and arrived to this. I couldn't get to much other details on this piece, so it was great to find this one. I will probably end up being back to check out some other posts that you have another time....!! Web Design India
Reply to this
Sara - I echo what Joseph said; I don't think anyone who knows you, or was blessed to know Joel, was left unchanged by his life, or by the example/testimony you and Leo have given through your tears. I don't pretend to know God's logic in all of this, but maybe you and Leo were chosen as Joel's parents because you are the two in a million who would set such an example - and continue to bring glory to Him through your loss. I was so reminded of Job, as I read this post.
Reply to this
Sara & Leo, Did you know our third child, Dylan, was born at home? It's a story we'll share sometime when we're together. In a home, on a throne, in a clinic, at a picnic, you could have had him here or there, you could have had him anywhere, you made a great choice for your fam when you trusted in the great I am! Love to you both!
Reply to this
This is redheadmama. I just want you to know that as I am reading your site, my eyes are fountains, and my heart aches with every beat. This particular post echoed so many thoughts from my own head & heart. And it was so perfectly put. Thank you for writing it.
Excuse me while I keep reading...
(((hugs)))
Reply to this
I've surfed the net more than three hours today, however, I haven't found such useful information. Thanks a lot, it is really useful to me.
Reply to this
I enjoyed reading your nice blog. I see you offer priceless info. Congratulations, and keep posting to us.
Do have some sort of email system where your blog posts emailed to me? laitman
Reply to this
And i also will replica chanel you, It's to find its superior high quality
hermes birkin and suitcases. The seller chanel 2.55 a
monogrammed fabric pattern within all its chanel classic 2.55 and services.Of course
we all understood, Utah Leather is indeed , widely used, we all know it all and keen to very own
Utah Leather person. Learn the brand make that happen? The
Hermes birkin replica might include the recognized
cheap louis vuitton purse not to mention performers they have applied as time goes by to
chanel bags the products. Bands for
Gucci Clutches Uma Thurman, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Moss and thus
birkin bags Johansson.
Reply to this
Learning About Cellular Phone Service Providers
Making the choice of which
ef="http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="ray ban">ray ban provider to use can be a challenging decision cycling. It is important to find one that will fulfill your usage of the 5 finger shoes as well as not empty your wallet http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="ray ban original">ray ban original. One place to begin looking for the perfect cellular 5 finger service provider is through the Internet. There is a great deal of information available. For examples http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="new ray ban">new ray ban, you can find out what services, plans and incentives various providers offer from their online websites. It can seem like an overwhelming challenge to select the finger shoes service provider that will meet all of your specific needs for the service.
By chance you might want to have Cheap Zentai Suits only for family emergencies and during vacations or travels. Collecting a comprehensive list in regards to various Spiderman Lycra Spandex Zentai Suit service providers will help you find the answers to various questions that you may have http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="lentes ray ban">lentes ray ban. Looking over the list you made will help you decide which company is going to provide you the most for your money.
Maybe you want zentai suits for the entire family to use to talk with one another and with close friends. There are many different package options available targeted specifically for families http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="ray ban sales">ray ban sales. Make sure to review your list of companies and shop around for the best offer http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="ray ban rb">ray ban rb. When evaluating the number of minutes available keep in mind how many people will be on the plan and sharing those minutes. Does one person talk a lot? Will you have enough minutes to divide among everyone based on how much they normally chat on the zentai?
Next you will need to examine the per line charges. Per line charges is the actual amount the company charges for each discount wedding dresses. You can build up some steep charges if the per line charges are monthly http://www.raybanvipsale.com" title="Ray Ban Sunglasses">Ray Ban Sunglasses
Reply to this
Your post is really surprised me.
I will continue to facous on you.
Reply to this