I’m ok.

Really I am. Well, as ok as a mom who loses her baby at birth can be, how ‘bout that?

It occurred to me that most of what I share here are my dark moments, the grief and sadness surrounding the birth and death of our son. But there are a couple of really good reasons for why that is what I share.

First - because this is my place to talk about Joel. Non-stop if I want and you are my hapless victims; Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel James (threw you for a loop there, eh?) Joel Joel Joel Joel Joel. JOEL. See? I don’t get to do that in my daily life, while he consumes my thoughts it is virtually impossible to revolve every conversation around my son. So here? Here I get to talk about him all I want and it is SUPER. Thanks for tuning into my endless monologue of JOEL JAMES, you are SUPER too.

The second reason is that if we are being honest we can acknowledge that as much as I want every thought of my son to be filled with joy, much of it is sadness. Let me be super dee duper clear – I am sad for me, for all of us. I don’t shed a single tear on Joel’s behalf. I praise God every day for a perfect heaven. Oh praise GOD that my son will never, ever know a moment of anything but joy. My mourning is purely selfish, and I am SO. INCREDIBLY. OVERWHELMED. that I don’t have to worry for a minute about Joel. I might get mad at God and be confused some days about why we were chosen for this life, but I am grateful and joyful beyond recognition that heaven is real.

Hey, did you know heaven is real? True story.

Here’s another true story:

Jesus was the son of God, born as man.

He died.

He rose from the dead.

He ascended into heaven.

He did all this to pay for our sins so that we can all go to heaven.

Cuz folks? We sin.

All true.

I can deny that gravity is real, but if I jump off a skyscraper I will still fall. There really are absolute truths in this world, and the love of God is one of them. Have questions? Email me, I will GLADLY have a conversation with you, no matter your questions or convictions. (sara_joy1@live.com) You see, part of what makes this tolerable even on the worst days is knowing that God watched his son die too. Only it had to be even harder for him, he could do something about it, where I could not.

I think I might be off on a tangent, where were we…oh yes, why I sound so sad.

Because I usually am when I write. The good days don’t require a lot of processing, I mean, this is what a post on a good day might sound like:

I’m good. The end.

The things that I have to think through, the things that drive me to write are usually the bad days, the moments where I am overcome and my computer is the best place to slog through my mess. So thanks for slogging with me, thanks for loving my kid with me, thanks for worrying about me, thanks for being you. You guys are amazing; another true story.

JOEL.

Had to get that one in there. And here, here is a gratuitous picture of my adorable child.

Thanks for your infinite patience with my rantings and bragging about the RIDICULOUS cuteness of my Joel James. You guys are OK.

And so am I.