*Update* Stellan is not doing well. Please continue in prayer for this little boy and his family. The irony that Joel's heart was so perfect, and Stellan's is so damaged somehow make his illness very personal to me. The thought that another family could lose their baby is just devastating, but we trust the Great Physician, and know that God's perfect will always prevails.   Sara Joy

            

It occurred to me shortly after we came home from the hospital that we had a choice to make. A really big choice. And most people who have made the choice have done so without even knowing. It comes from who we are, and defines us for a lifetime. We will be grieving parents forever. But how we grieve, how we are parents, and how we continue to choose to define ourselves – this is the choice we faced. We could be grief-stricken parents first, and everything else second; or we could continue to be us first, and our love and grief for Joel would become a stunning part of the mosaic of who we are, not the only part.  

I recently joined our church, and I began my application with this statement: my faith defines me. When I faced the chance that my son would die, I just wanted Joel to define me. I wanted him to be the first and biggest and most important part of who I am. So much of me still wants that. If people only know one thing about me, I want it to be Joel. I want him to be the first and most thing I talk about, what I think about every single waking moment, my all-consuming obsession. I want to be angry, and bitter and depressed, and some days I am. I want to be ALL about Joel, so much of me just doesn’t know how else to do him justice.

But some things don’t change. God’s love for me and mine for him won’t be moved, even by this human tragedy. My faith will still define me, not because I can’t help it, but because of I choose it every single day. I don’t think God chose us to be Joel’s parents because we would get lost in his death, but because we wouldn’t. I think that to be the best mother I can be to my son means to first serve God, and be the very best person I can be. I know, without doubt, that the very best person I can be is who God has called me to be. I don’t think he called me to be bitter, angry and self-obsessed. And while doing those things will be part of my grieving process, ultimately it isn’t who I am, who I am supposed to be. Can I be sure my ultimate purpose in this life? No, but I can wake up every day, praise God the sun came up, smile at the memory of my son, and do my best to be who he called me to be today.

This is the choice I make, and that will make all the difference.

Sara Joy 

“…I know for sure: despite this hole in my heart, grief will not define us. Love will. Very hallmark, but very true.” www.sweetsalty.com