My sisters took this picture when they were following Joel on his transfer from our initial hospital to the NICU. Do you see the double rainbow? It’s beautiful, and so clear, and I am grateful they took this picture for a number of reasons. Initially, it gave me so much hope. It looked like a gift, an assurance, just as the rainbow was to Noah, proof of the promises from God.

Later, I told Leo that I believed that might have been the moment that Joel’s brain died, that was the moment he left this earth. The doctors had told us that things close down slowly, that there was some activity at the first hospital but it takes a while for activity to end, even if, inevitably it is going to end. I suppose the meaning of that rainbow would remain the same, no matter how I look at that moment. And the truth is I will never know, there is just SO MUCH that I will never know.

Ultimately that is the promise from God I lean on the most. That God knows best, that he is in control, that I don’t have to know. He does. That no matter how much it hurts me not to know, he does, and it is best for me that I don’t. I have re-hashed and what if-ed Joel’s life to pieces, and I keep coming to the same conclusion.

Only God knows.

My job isn’t to know, my job is to trust. My job is to look at those stunning rainbows and know that God’s promises are still true. My son is loved more than I can imagine. My life has meaning. My God is good and righteous and he will love me and protect me always. I will see my son again. Oh, how I trust in that promise. That one has to be my favorite, and that is the one I see when I look at those rainbows now. I will see my son again.

Sara Joy